Delve Into Our Psyche!

I sent out the following questionnaire to the members of the MOLES soc for which I was a committee member. It was done in the spirit of fun and was not supposed to be serious. Some members recognised it was a joke others thought I was deadly serious. The answers bellow are those that were the funniest or honest. Some from those who got the spirit and some from those who didn't.

Warning - Some people may find some of the responses offensive, possibly over 18's only!!!

1. How many pillows do you have in bed?
   • Two (be prepared).
   • 3.
   • What's a bed?
   • 5.
   • 2.
   • None, just men!
   • Just the 1 its all I need.
2. Do you play any instruments?
   • Vocal chords.
   • Flute and piano.
   • No.
   • Yes.
   • It depends on how big it is!!!!!!
   • Guitar.
   • Knicker elastic.
   • I fiddle.
   • It depends wether or not that involves pH meters.
3. How many pairs of underpants do you own?
   • 730 (two for every day of the year).
   • 45.
   • I don't.
   • 10.
   • Lots as they are edible!
   • Enough.
   • Three, one for Mon & Tues, one for Wed & Thurs, one for Fri & Sat and Sunday I fly without a safety net.
   • Bizarrely I always have exactly the right amount..I think they breed in the airing cupboard.
4. Have you ever phoned the police?
   • No but they've phoned me! And visited!
   • Yes, all the time.
   • Yep, but they wont come down!!!
   • Yes the last time anna was up in yorkshire, this is not a lie.
   • Not yet.
5. Do you eat pizza with a knife and fork or with your fingers?
   • Fingers of course.
   • What's a knife and fork?
   • Fingers, but not my own!
   • Fingers it saves on washing up!!!
   • Someone else feeds it to me!!
   • Depends where I am.
   • There is only one method of eating pizza that is acceptable in my opinion...and it does not involve cutlery.
6. When did you last cry?
   • When tiffany died 11th, 12th, 13th etc.
   • January.
   • When I was two.
   • Last night when I found the answer to #3 wasn't quite enough.
   • When the pope died.
   • When I read this!!!
   • A few weeks ago.
   • Yesterday.
   • Friday night, but the reasons for that are certainly none of your business sir<G>.
7. Which body part are you most proud of?
   • My tits.
   • My boyfriends body parts.
   • Guess.
   • Legs.
   • My spinal cord.
   • My tatoo.
   • The one thats in me at the time!
   • My lovely long fingernails(they have so many uses<S>)
8. Who's your best mate?
   • Melissa.
   • My children.
   • My teddy.
   • Beth.
   • My mum.
   • Changes on a daily basis, but generall whoever bought my last drink.
9. Have you ever seen a ghost?
   • Oh! Yes and he saw me too!
   • Yes.
   • No.
   • I am a ghost.
   • No,but I have seen a UFO.
   • Yes .mark childs!!!!
   • I don't think so.
   • Not sure.
   • No, but I have looked in the mirror after a heavy night.
10. Can you swim?
    • Yes.
    • Well it was either learn to swim or drown.
    • Like a sperm!!!
    • Of course.
    • I am fully conversant in several techniques.
11. Have you had many fist fights at school?
    • A few but not many.
    • Two.
    • No fights just the shit kicked out of me.
    • No.
    • Too many to mention.
    • Yes I lost them all.
    • No, as the arms and the rest of the body tend to join in!!
    • Too many.
    • Seven, and one with a girl but that was more of a slapping fight.
    • Just the one, and to be honest I used my feet more than my fists..its so much more satisfying to kick someone in the head rather than just punch them.
12. How many kids would you like?
    • Two or three.
    • None.
    • 2.
    • I hope you don't mean that in a michael jackson sort of way!!
    • Lots.
    • 1 for breakfast, 1 for lunch and 3 for dinner.
    • Kids-what are they????
    • As few as possible.
    • Five.
    • None, not ever ,no way,nope!
13. What's your ideal sandwich filling?
    • BLT.
    • My boyfriends body parts!
    • Cold bacon and lemon jam.
    • Bacon, Cheese, chilli, tomato sauce, and ham.
    • Ham and cheese.
    • Men.
    • Sausage.
    • SLICED CHICKEN AND SALAD CREAM.
    • A bloke, me and another bloke!!!
    • Chocolate toasted cheese, pickle and pickled onions.
    • Mushrooms.
14. Do you use a sunbed?
    • Not any more.
    • Whats that?
    • No.
    • When we have such divine weather!!
    • It would be a little too hot for sleeping on.
    • It depends if there is one near by.
    • NO ISN'T that insest?
    • Yes.
    • I like my skin to stay its normal interesting shade of "freshly dead", so no.
15. How romantic are you on a scale of one to ten?
    • 15.
    • -2.
    • 100000000000.
    • 0.000004.
    • 6.
    • 1.
    • I`m 11!!!!
    • 11 (FULL ON CHAMPAGNE, CREAM AND STRAWBERRIES).
    • 10000000000000000.
    • Eleven.
    • To be honest I think this is entirely subjective as it depends more on who you are going out with and what they view as romantic than on what you think. Having said that I give myself a 6/-6.
16. Do you prefer Coronation Street or Eastenders?
    • Ooooohhh hmmmmm Eastenders.
    • Both but emmerdale is best.
    • Eastenders.
    • They are both crap.
    • NEITHER.
    • Both as i want to have my cake and eat it!!!
    • Coronation street.
    • Eastenders!!!!
17. What was the last lie you told?
    • Question 3.
    • Never told one.
    • This questionare.
    • Answer to #8.
    • I never lie.
    • That I was eight stone.
    • THAT I AM SINGLE.
    • That I prefer Corrie to Eastenders.
    • See Q14.
    • I think it was along the lines of "yes I am single".
18. Have you ever been sick in a car?
    • If taxis count then yes.
    • Loads of times, ( when i'm drivingback from the pub being chased by a police car is the favorite one.)
    • No But Frequently out of the window.
    • Yes.
    • Of course I have.
    • No he didn't look that bad!
    • No, I've been sick on a train and a boat but oddly never in a car.
19. What's your favourite piece of jewellery?
    • My silver hoop earrings.
    • The ring through my boyfriends nipple!(yummy!)
    • Necklace.
    • My diamond encrusted tiara.
    • It's a ring, but I'm not telling you where it goes!
    • MY SIGNET RING.
    • Chastity belts for men or an earring through his dick!
    • My necklase tht my dad gave me for my 18th.
    • Anna's silver and emerald nipple ring.
    • Personally I don't wear any, but on a woman I love piercings of all kinds<S>.
20. Have you ever worn a brace for your teeth?
    • Unfortunatly yes.
    • No.
    • No, I wear braces for my trousers.
    • No as they all got punched out!
    • Yes, but it wasn't mine.
    • Nope, but I probably should have judging by the state they are in now.
21. Do you think the British police should be armed with guns?
    • No.
    • Yes, waterpistols.
    • Yes I think it would be a marvellous idea to see our police able to deal quickly and effectively with any situation that would arise using of course the minimum force.
      Can you let go of my testicles now please officer.
    • Yes They would look a bit silly without any arms, I mean how would they arrest anyone and put handcuffs on them!
    • Yes- big guns.
    • DUNNO!
    • IF they are large and in their pockets!!
    • I prefer them armed with big hard truncheons.
    • No thankyou they are scary enough already.
22. Do you have any phobias?
    • Heights, blindness.
    • Yes, police, with or without water pistols.
    • No.
    • Yes, people.
    • Only about not having my daily bang.
    • WORK WORK!!
    • You know I do!!!!!
    • Too many to mention.
    • Well I have a problem with spiders, oh and with really fat Americans(but I think that is more of a hatred than a phobia).
23. How many pairs of trousers do you own?
    • Including jeans, 6.
    • Don't know lots.
    • 5 6 or 7.
    • 1.
    • About 10.
    • 12.
    • NONE, skirts are easier to just lift up in an alley!!!!
    • Not enough.
    • 2 jeans, 4 combats and one lovely pair of formal trousers for court appearances.
24. What colour toilet paper do you prefer?
    • White.
    • The cheapest.
    • Yellow and blue stripes.
    • Anything but brown.
    • Blue.
    • Pink with purple spots.
    • Brown 'cos you can use it as many times as you want - piers.
    • Any.
    • WHITE.
    • I dont care because i dont look at it after like you do!!
    • Makes no difference white - you can see exactly what you've done.
    • I really couldn't care less.
25. Would you take flowers or chocolates on a date?
    • Well the guy I'm meeting this weekend is a bit skinny, so it'll probably be chocolates.
    • If I had chocolate I would'nt bother going out.
    • Chocs since she is always on a diet so I get to nosh them.
    • Chocolate, Because if you are stood up you can eat the chocolate.
    • Neither I would expect them.
    • FLOWERS.
    • A MAN!!
    • I usually take girls (ha ha ha).
    • Neither, they are both far too unoriginal, I prefer to go for strong alcohol or hard drugs.
26. What's your shoe size?
    • It's a secret.
    • 10.
    • Slightly more than my IQ
    • 7.
    • 22.
    • 5.
    • 12.
    • 4.
    • Five.
    • 8 I think.
27. How old do you want to be when you get married?
    • 5 years younger than I am now.
    • 103.
    • 25.
    • When I grow to be a mature adult, 70.
    • Late 20s.
    • 25 years (after I have died).
    • Dont know.
    • Never ever again!!!!!
    • 18yrs...but that Is impossible ( as I'm 20 ).
    • Marriage is an antiquated idea with no relevance to our modern society.
28. Which means more to you: Love or health?
    • Health, although lack of love can lead to poor health. Therefore, learn to love yourself and you'll never go wrong.
    • Life.
    • Love.
    • Health, at least I can get that.
    • Health.
    • Money.
    • Sex.
    • Depends on the girl.
    • As I have neither at the momment I think I will pass on this question.
29. How often do you cut your nails?
    • About once a week when they make holes through my socks.
    • I don't i just eat them.
    • Never they are a valuable source of protein in my diet.
    • Rarely.
    • I bite them everyday.
    • TWICE A WEEK.
    • I dont, they come off when they get stuck in his back.
    • Whenever they need cutting...
    • Whenever I can find the clippers.
    • Cutting...nails..? What on earth is this bizarre concept of which you speak.
30. Do you like green sweets?
    • No.
    • I like any sweets.
    • Yes.
    • Yes, they make lovely soup.
    • I LUV THEM.
    • No snot flavour.
    • Not really, depends on the girl.
    • It depends on why they are green.
31. Which body part are you most fond of?
    • Ma mammaries (you've asked that one already)
    • My boyfriends.
    • Guess.
    • Thats Personal.
    • Legs.
    • My hair.
    • Eyes and legs.
    • MY TATOO!!!
    • The bit that is in me at the time!
    • Depends who's boby it belongs to!!!
    • Is this déjà vu?
    • I have great affection for my hands, without them life would be so much less interesting<G>
32. What's the most you've spent on a haircut?
    • £30.
    • None, but i've been paid toget it cut!
    • £7.
    • 50.
    • 20.
    • I had so much he charged double.
    • £30+
    • I have no hair therefore I have no need for haircuts.
    • 14.
    • £1.49 for the scissors!
    • £30.....in Tony and Guy's!
    • £15 last time I had my hair cut short. It took the best part of three hours so I think it was something of a bargain.
33. When did you last have a massage?
    • About 6 months ago (are you offering?)
    • Last night when my ex gave me one.
    • Never.
    • I'm having one now.
    • Ages ago.
    • AT CHRISTMAS.
    • Are you offering???
    • Saturday nite.
    • If anna's asking - november, otherwise a week last tuesday and it was fantastic.
    • Far too long ago, if anyone(preferably female) is interested in volunteering contact Ben and get him too forward the message<Big Hopeful Grin> [Yes, contact me. But I'm keeping all the replies for myself!!! Ed.]
34. When did you last get told off?
    • This morning.
    • Last night, naughty me!
    • Never.
    • Yesterday.
    • Bad command or file name.
    • The other day.
    • This morning - by Piers.
    • TODAY.
    • Too old to remember!!!!!
    • Saturday nite.
    • A week last tuesday.
    • On Saturday because I was a very stupid boy.
35. Is the millennium dome a good idea?
    • Yes because it will be something for people to remember this millennium by. There are more important things the money could be spent on. But if all money was only spent on necessities, life would be extremely dull.
    • Does it fly?
    • No
    • Yes in 2001 we can do the worlds biggest stir fry!
    • It's good for blowing up.
    • Who cares.
    • A giant tit to take us into the new century?? I wonder who thought of that ?? It had to be a man!!!
    • Haven't really thought about it.
    • For what.
    • To be quite honest I have heard better ideas come out of my arse.
36. How much do you weigh?
    • 9 1/2 and 10st.
    • loads.
    • Not much.
    • No Idea.
    • You should never ask a girl her weight.
    • Less than you Lard arse.
    • About eight stone.
    • 14 STONE.
    • Not enough to squash you!!
    • You don't want to know.
    • Less than rachel evans.
    • Exactly the right amount, or thats what I think anyway, although my friends keep accusing me of being anorexic.
37. Are you bad when you're angry?
    • Yes i'm always bad.
    • VERY.
    • Yes.
    • No I'm good! - Hi, mark this is Piers and that's a lie! She's the antichrist incarnate when she's angry!
    • NOT NORMALLY.
    • I am always a bad girl!!
    • Do you know me??? ( in other words, yes )
    • Depends on the girl.
    • Anger is a pointless emotion. It is best to let the resentment build until you can let rip with a blast of pure biblical hatred.
38. How attractive are you on a scale of one to ten?
    • On a good hair day and for my age 9.
    • 53.
    • 1000000000000000000000. [I've seen you and you Fu***** Aint. Ed.]
    • 10.
    • 6.
    • 10000.
    • 1.
    • 7.
    • -40000000000000.
    • Off the scale.
    • 2.
    • Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unfortunately that means I score negative<G>.
39. What's your favourite book?
    • Prince Caspian.
    • The karma sutra the joy of sex.
    • Mr Happy.
    • I have many.
    • I can't read.
    • I hate books.
    • I like the tv guide though JRR TOLKIENS LORD OF THE RINGS.
    • Winnie the pooh and confessions of a mature student!!!!
    • Any of the Jilly Cooper novels.
    • Lord of the flies/brighton rock/lesbian lovemaidens from mars - the film doesn't do it justice.
    • The Werewolves of London by Brian Stableford. I would recomend this to anyyone who wants to try and get a handle on how I think(now thats a scary thought). [Yes, very Ed.]
40. Where are you most ticklish?
    • All over.
    • Would'nt you like to know?
    • Groin.
    • Soles of feet.
    • My sides.
    • Sphincter ring.
    • Cant say.
    • MY BACK AND SIDES.
    • Wouldnt you like to know!!!
    • Not really ticklish.
    • Depends on the girl.
    • Bizarrely I have yet to find a body part were I am not ticklish.
41. 41.What is your favourite animal?
    • Cat.
    • Pork (sorry, pigs).
    • Pussy.
    • Meercat.
    • Koala.
    • Crabs and lice, I have lots of them.
    • Hamsters.
    • RACOON.
    • A welk as size for size they have the largest sexual body parts!!! Up to 50 times their body length.
    • Cats.
    • Dog.
    • I have always been fond of the Jesus Christ Lizard of South America.
42. What time did you go to bed last night?
    • Midnight.
    • Early, very early!!
    • Don't remember.
    • 12.30.
    • 3.30am.
    • I told you before, what's a bed!
    • About 12.
    • 1.30AM.
    • 6 but I didnt get to sleep till 4 when he couldnt keep it up anymore!!!
    • 3am
    • 5 and 20 to 12.
    • Just past midnight.
43. Do you read your horoscope?
    • No.
    • Yes.
    • Sometimes.
    • I read it the day after to see if any of it came true, and if it didn't I complain.
    • No but every one elses, that way I know who is going to get lucky!!
    • No, I don't believe in it.
    • No I find the Tarot cards to be much more reliable and informative.
44. Do you prefer Madonna's music or Celine Dions?
    • Madonna of course.
    • Who?
    • Madonna's
    • They are both crap.
    • DEPENDS ON MY MOOD.
    • Neither!!!
    • Madonna, need you ask?!?
    • They are both pretty appaling, but Madonnas stuff is at least amusing.
45. Do you like crunchy peanut butter or smooth peanut butter?
    • Smooth.
    • Where?
    • Don't like either.
    • Neither.
    • Smooth.
    • Crunchy bits make you choke!
    • Both as they are full of NUTS!!!
    • I cannot eat peanut butter after spending my work experience analysing stool samples in a biochem lab.
46. What would you ask Leonardo Dicaprio if you met him?
    • If his mother knew he was out.
    • Do you fancy a shag?
    • Nothing I would just stab him.
    • How hard did the midwife slap you when you were born. No matter how hard it wasn't enough.
    • I would not ask him anything, I would just shoot him in the head!
    • Nothing he is too young.
    • WHY HE WAS SUCH A TOSSER!
    • Does he need some arm bands??
    • Are you really straight??
    • How did you become such a smug cunt.
    • "Isn't it past your bedtime?"
47. How long does it take you to do your hair?
    • About 15 minutes.
    • I don't do it.
    • Ten minutes.
    • Interesting concept.
    • Ages.
    • I have no hair, I am a slap head!
    • 5 secs.
    • 1 MINUTE.
    • Which end of the body are we talking about???
    • 5 mins, Max!!
    • Depends whether it's wash day.
    • Depend were I am going, normally it only takes about 10 minutes but if I'm going out clubbing it can take a very long time indeed(and use up a lot of mousse).
48. Can you speak any foreign languages?
    • Un petit per.
    • No.
    • French and I have to learn Italian.
    • Non.
    • Not really.
    • Yes, Martian!
    • I can when ordering chinese.
    • YES unrepeatable sayings only.
    • Yeap...but I've forgotten loads ( so does that count?? ).
    • Yes, french, german and yorkshire dialect.
    • I can normally only just about manage a coherant conversation in my native tongue.
49. Who do you fancy?
    • No one special at the moment, but George Clooney is lovely, but I don't suppose I'll ever meet him.
    • Any good looking man around the ages 20 - 30 yrs.
    • Alicia Silverstone and Martine McCutingson.
    • The pope, what fashion sense oh Ive gone all faint.
    • Too many to mention.
    • Me!
    • Is that an offer!!!!
    • SEVERAL OF MY CLASSMATES.
    • Anyone!!
    • My lover....
    • Gareth.
    • Anna - obviously!!!!!!!!
    • Well from the movies it would have to be the woman out of Desperado(can't remember her name), and in real life at the momment the answer is anything female with a pulse. [Again, contact me. Bloody hell, this is turning into a lonely hearts page!!! Ed.]
50. Do you like custard?
    • As long as it's home made.
    • Where?
    • No.
    • Yes.
    • Only Tubby custard!
    • If poured onto certain parts of the body.
    • Depends on the girl.
    • Nope.
51. Have you ever been stuck in a lift?
    • Yes.
    • No but i'd like to be, why are you offering?
    • No.
    • Yes, I was in Speed!
    • Unfortunately!
    • Yes, ops no ithought it said fuCKed in a lift.
    • No,thankfully.
    • No but I'm always open to new experiences.
52. What's your favourite word?
    • Propinquity.
    • Again!
    • Youhavejustwonthelotterythreetimesinarow.
    • F***!
    • HUG.
    • More, more, more.
    • Man.
    • Folkbus.
    • Mephistophelean. A truly fantastic word that I try and drop into casual conversation at least once a day.
53. What do you find scary?
    • Going in late for lectures and everyone staring at you.
    • A small penis!
    • The thought of Edd Smewing sitting on me.
    • Answer to #49.
    • Wierd people.
    • You!
    • Ben. [SWINE!. Ed.]
    • ALIENS AND NUCLEAR/BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS.
    • BIOCHEMISTRY.
    • You should know that....
    • Death.
    • Nuclear Holocaust, Bio engineered plauges, impotence<G>
54. Who's your favourite soap character?
    • Martin Kemp (the new character in Eastenders in case you're too young to remember Spandau Ballet).
    • Beppe on eastenders, i'd like to chew him up and spit him out!
    • Tiffany.
    • The Mickey mouse I have in my bath.
    • I don't use character soaps.
    • Grant?
    • MATT, FROM 'GAME ON'.
    • Bouncer from neigbours.
    • Maralin....in home and away.
    • Ian beale.
    • What you mean those are meant to be characters?